I’m A 44 Year Old Woman With No Money | I Can’t Afford To Pay Rent | Life Is Hard | I Need Help.
I have been going through a very rough time and I just want this space to talk about it.
Please forgive me in advance if I start to cry or get real angry in this video. I was supposed to record this video last night, but I ended up crying three whole times. So I hope that I am able to hold back my tears this time long enough to get through this.
To start off my name is Shana and I live on a small island in the Caribbean called Antigua.
It’s funny that now I am mentioning Antigua that an old memory just popped up in my head.
I said on a video about Thailand how I wanted to move there. And this White dude left a comment on my comment stating that I live in Antigua. How Antigua was a tropical paradise, how I should be grateful that I am living there and why did I even wanted to leave. And it sounded to him like I was just ungrateful and I needed to count my blessings.
I don’t remember if I responded to him or not, but his comment really rubbed me the wrong way. This man knew nothing about me or my life situation, but he had the balls to come speak on it like he knows me.
Just because I live in a tropical paradise doesn’t mean that life is not hell for me.
I am really having a hard time financially and this fool right here had no clue what I am even talking about.
So to continue on, I am 44 years old and at this stage of my life, I should have already figured shit out. I should not be going through this hard time right now. Cause guess what, life has been hard for me pretty much my whole life and I just want it to be over.
Like fuck God, I am so sick and tired of going through this shit.
I don’t have kids, thankfully. I can’t imagine having kids in my life right now tugging on my skirts and begging for food.
Since my teen years people kept telling me that I need to have kids, that I need to hurry up and make a baby. And even though these people see that I barely have food to feed myself, they still insist on encouraging me to have a child, a child that I can’t afford to feed.
As much as I love cats, I haven’t kept on in more than a decade, cause I can barely hold it together to find food for myself. So knowingly putting an innocent child in a situation like this is a very evil thing to do as far as I am concerned.
And no matter how I express to these people that I am hardly getting by or I just straight up don’t want children, my words fall on deaf ears. Cause all they do is insist even more that I should have kids. I don’t understand how someone could care about me and see how rough I have keep telling to have a child knowing fully well I don’t have the means at all to feed that child.
I will never bring a child into this world until I am in the right financial situation to feed one. And with the way my life has been going so far, I don’t see much hope for the future.
I remember reading an article way back in my 20’s where the female writer said that people who try to force you into having kids, really don’t love you and want the best for you and your life. I completely agree with her sentiment.
I can’t see how people can care about a woman who has no food to feed herself to go and have a child.
I haven’t had a proper meal these past few weeks. No that’s no joke.
To the point where I have had a stomach pain that comes and goes these past four weeks. And I just keep praying for it to go away cause what else can I do? I don’t have the funds to neither buy food or go see the doctor.
So I grit my teeth and just bare the pain out until it goes away.
I have a female friend who was supposed to bring me lunch the day before yesterday, but she never showed up cause she got tied up running some errands. And yesterday she messaged me to say that she didn’t feel like leaving the house today.
So God alone only knows whether she will turn up with the lunch or not. I did ask her for $6 dollars the last time I saw her to buy some crackers to eat, but she said she didn’t have it cause she didn’t go to the ATM machine that day.
And now that I am talking about this, I am remembering something that I had told her about.
You see, she picked up her phone and called this guy that she told me before that she will no longer deal with cause she wants to go back to church and change her life. Imagine my shock that she was asking him for $350 to buy brand new curtains for Christmas.
I asked if that was a new dude she was talking to or the same old one. She said it was the same guy. She went on further to say that she is not dealing with him but he told her long ago that if she needed anything to ask him for it.
And, I will admit the truth, I did get a little jealous. Cause I ain’t got nobody that I can call.
I showed her my phone where I was asking a guy to feed me lunch. I would have never asked him for food if I wasn’t so hungry. I knew before asking that I was taking a risk, but I took it anyway.
No risk, no reward.
Up until this point in time, he was so eager to talk to me and he always responded back to me in a matter of minutes.
Not only did he not buy me something to eat, but he acted like he had no clue what I was talking about. I guess in his mind, I never should have had the nerve to ask him for food even though I have nothing to eat.
Right now all I have in my house is salt, sugar, ketchup, cooking oil and bbq sauce. I have nothing else to eat.
It’s been about a week now since he last reached out to talk to me.
In a way, it’s not too bad, I rather find out now that he was never going to be a support for me in my time of need this early, than to waste months and years talking to a guy who has no interest in helping a sister who is down and out.
My friend was totally shocked at the fact that he couldn’t just buy me lunch. And this is normally how my interactions with men go every single time. Men never do anything for me but somehow expect me to be happy about spreading my legs for them.
Which I won’t do cause I’m celibate and looking for love. I am looking for a lifelong partner, someone who I can grow old with. And in the meantime, I won’t allow men to use my body for their own gratification. Why should I sleep with men, who don’t see me worthy enough to buy food for?
That guy I was talking about earlier could have easily taken me grocery shopping. Trust me, he has a damn good paying job. Him buying a week’s worth of groceries for me wasn’t going to break his bank account.
I bet you the fifty cents that I have now, had I told him to come over for some sex, he would have showed up during his lunch break in a heartbeat.
I don’t know why men feel I should have sex with them at no cost out of their pockets.
I have been single now for seven years. And Lord knows, if men keep treating me like this, it will probably be another seven years I will continue to be single and celibate.
Lately whenever I see people on the road eating food, I feel so tempted to snatch their food away from them and run for dear life. That’s how bad it is for me right now.
If a man comes along and can’t or won’t help me, then he is not the right guy for me. And no one is going to convince me otherwise.
A man can’t love me with his whole heart and stand aside and just watch me suffer without lifting finger to help me out of this horrible situation.
Right now, I don’t have a job. I have no money whatsoever.
Okay that is a lie. I do have fifty cents. These past two days I found five ten cents on the road.
That money can’t even pay for a bus ride. I basically walk from my house to get to the Library in town and that takes a whole hour to do. Thank goodness that I am not afraid to walk. Hell, I’ve never owned a car or even know how to drive one.
So for the people who are gonna run up in the comment section and say go get a job, please save your comment. I’ve been applying everywhere that I can for a job and nothing has come through the pipelines for me as yet.
Even a lady I met a few months ago told me that she is a manager at a hotel. And she promised to get me a job since August. Every week I keep reaching out to her and every week she just keeps making the excuse of how busy she is. But the fact remains is, it has been months.
I gave her my resume since months ago and she hasn’t passed it on to the relevant authorities. She told me over and over again, to trust her that she is going to get me a good paying job.
And now she has not lived up to her words. All she has done so far is blow smoke up my ass.
And it’s sad cause I thought she really was going to help me out. I figured that since I had a manager on my side, there was just no way I wasn’t going to be able to get a decent, nice paying job. I should have known from the start that all she was going to do was waste my time.
I believe in God but I am angry with him. I’m not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I am happy with God right now. I feel sad and disappointed and angry with God. I just can’t fake this shit for nobody.
When I was crying last night, I kept asking God why he has forgotten about me, why has he forsaken me in my time of need. Why does he have the time to help everybody else out but me.
I can’t keep this up anymore. I feel like it is time to just end it all.
I want to think there must be something better waiting for me on the other side. Cause right now, this side just doesn’t seem to be working out for me in a positive way.
Like why am I here? I was certain as a child that once I became an adult I would know the purpose of me being here on earth. Little did I know back then, how wrong I was.
Everytime I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up, I keep telling myself no that we need to try again before we give up completely. Like we can’t give up now. Maybe this will be the time that something great finally works out for us.
And then I try again only to end up flat on my face again.
Believe me people, I have already tried more than 100 different ways to make money, to bring in money. I’ve been trying since my teen years and I’m in my 40’s now.
Surely you can understand to some degree why I feel tired and weak. I am tired of trying to be strong when I am weak and struggling. No matter what I do, nothing works out for me and that hurts. It hurts a whole lot.
It is either they never work for me or I get very small amounts of money. So small that it can’t even help to pay a bill. At this point, I don’t know what else I can do. I have tried so many different things and nothing is working out for me the way that I want it to.
Yesterday I was watching two videos by women saying that God paid their rent. And I was like damn, God needs to come and pay my rent too before I end up living on the streets. And I wish I could be in their situations right now.
It turns out that in both their cases someone with the financial means came to their rescue and covered the rent for them. And not just for one month, mind you. I am talking like a whole year and longer.
God please send me an angel who can pay the rent, pay the bills and buy me food until I can finally get back on my two feet. I just don’t want to keep living like this anymore.
I have been dreaming about receiving money. Only to wake up and not have the money at all.
Do you know how fucking hard that is?
I wake up all excited and expecting to find the money in my hands or in my purse, only to have the reality kick in that it was just a dream. It was not real at all. And it makes me feel like God is pulling a prank on me.
Why make me have a dream like that only to feel the disappointment all over again? This is not easy for me y’all.
I am hungry, I can’t pay my rent and I am so scared to be put out on the streets to live.
The hardest part for me about being poor and I’m being 100% real here, is the fact that I never have money to help other people. I have had numerous people come up to me asking for a few dollars. I would have gladly given it to them, if I had it.
I am a giver. I have always loved to give whatever I have.
But I am in a season where I need help, I need money, I need food, I need shelter. I have nothing to my name right now.
There is whole lot more I want to talk about, but I feel like this video is already too long and I don’t want to keep people here for a whole hour listening to me talk about how much my life sucks.
If any of you listening right now can be of any help to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I hope by putting out this video that someone who can help me will hear my cry for help.
Understand please that I don’t have CashApp or a bank account. The only way I can accept payments right now is through MoneyGram. I don’t want to use Western Union cause they want more than one ID.
Also I will have to get one of my friends to use their ID since all of mine are expired. Not trying to give anyone a hard time who might volunteer to help me out.
Thank you in advance even if all you can give is $20 dollars. I appreciate any financial help I can get no matter how small it is.
I hope you are having a better day than I am.
Bye.